| How am I gonna live my life if I'm positive? Is it | | | | females have increased from seventeen percent |
| gonna be a negative? | | | | to 39 percent in the past four years. AIDS has |
| Like many others his age, Billy grew up with little | | | | risen to become the United States sixth leading |
| knowledge about AIDS. For years the media kept | | | | cause of death among fifteen to 24 year olds.I'm |
| pointing to particular groups - mainly homosexuals | | | | readin' about how it's transmitted some behavior I |
| and drug addicts- as the only people affected by | | | | must admit it. who I slept with, who they slept |
| the disease. But as more and more is learned, | | | | with who they, who they, who they slept with. |
| AIDS cases in heterosexual teens and young | | | | Since learning about his diagnosis, one of toughest |
| adults have jumped to great proportions."Had I | | | | things Billy's had to deal with is telling past |
| known what I know now about the disease, say, | | | | girlfriends he had sex with about the virus. "As I |
| five or ten years ago, all my choices about | | | | sat down making a list of who I slept with," Billy |
| relationships and sex would have changed. Back | | | | says, "it started to scare me how many there |
| then, and even today, it's a male thing to sleep | | | | were." Billy doesn't say this to be perceived as a |
| with as many girls as possible - kind of like | | | | so-called "stud," but as part of understanding his |
| bragging rights. To look back on it now - trying to | | | | high-risk behavior and its role in his contracting |
| be cool will actually kill me."Billy, a blond, | | | | HIV."As I started calling them one by one," Billy |
| 23-year-old native Californian, fits the typical | | | | recalls, "I was faced with explaining what had |
| surfer/boarder stereotype, except one thing | | | | happened and telling each of them they should |
| distinguishes Billy from others - he's HIV positive. | | | | get tested. "Billy realizes he didn't have to do this, |
| He is one of the growing numbers of teens and | | | | but would've felt guilty not doing so. He goes on |
| young adults who have been caught off-guard by | | | | to say that some of the girls were mad because |
| this once-unknown disease. It is estimated that | | | | they felt Billy had "killed" them, as one girl put it. |
| between the ages of thirteen to 24 years old, | | | | Others were sympathetic and asked how they |
| one in every 300 is infected with HIV (Human | | | | could help.Get on the phone and call my past |
| Immunodeficiency Virus), the virus that leads to | | | | lovers I never thought about infectin "anotha all |
| AIDS.I think about life and immorality what's the | | | | the times that I said "Hmmm? Don't bother.Each |
| first thing I do if I'm HIVAt a local coffee house, | | | | day, like the other estimated one-million |
| Billy and I talk about what he's gone through. | | | | Americans who are HIV-positive, Billy lives life to |
| Sipping on a mocha, he remembers the fateful | | | | its fullest. "At times I'll get real depressed," he |
| day he found out about his circumstances."I | | | | admits, "but I make it through and try to enjoy |
| remember all the details - going in to get a normal | | | | some of the simpler pleasures." Billy sees life a |
| physical at the hospital and having blood taken | | | | little differently than probably you and I, and while |
| from me. Everything seemed okay, and even the | | | | he talks about different experiences he |
| doctor mentioned I appeared in good health. | | | | encounters each day, or about his dreams of |
| About two weeks later, ten days away from my | | | | surfing in Tavarua that he hopes to fulfill, Billy |
| birthday, a nurse calls from the hospital to ask | | | | knows that now, unlike before, he must be wary |
| that I come back in - no explanation, | | | | of what his body will have in store in the |
| nothing."They took my blood with an anonymous | | | | future.Would my whole life have to change? or |
| number two weeks waitin wonderin Billy thought | | | | would my life remain the same? sometimes it |
| he was stricken with cancer, like several | | | | makes me wanna shout! all these things too hard |
| members of his family before him. "I was so | | | | to think about. His coffee cold, Billy brings up his |
| scared to go see the doctor," he says. "I told no | | | | growing frustration about what has been |
| one - not even my parents or girlfriend. The | | | | happening around him. He's afraid to tell friends |
| thought of them having to worry about me | | | | because of their lack of knowledge about HIV |
| frightened the shit out of me." Billy pauses to | | | | AIDS. "I know once I tell them," Billy says, "I ll |
| reflect, then continues, "Something about the | | | | become an instant leper - an outcast." He claims |
| office and the doctor looming over me felt like I | | | | it's not his friends faults, but society's failure to |
| was at the gates of heaven waiting to meet my | | | | educate his peers about AIDS."Young adults need |
| fate." Then, BAM - like hitting a brick wall - the | | | | to see an alternative, not be preached to, but |
| doctor told Billy his blood test came back HIV | | | | educated about prevention," Billy explains. "Too |
| positive.I shoulda done this a long time ago a lot | | | | many groups are fighting over whether to teach |
| of excuses why I couldn't go I know these things | | | | safe sex, abstinence, or give out condoms in the |
| and these things I must know, cause it's better to | | | | public schools - they don't realize as they're |
| know than to not know! "AIDS?" Billy responded. | | | | squabbling more of us are dying because we re |
| "Isn't that some kind of homosexual or | | | | ignorant to the facts."How am I gonna live my life |
| drug-pusher thing?" As he toys with his mocha, | | | | if I'm positive? is it gonna be a negative?As |
| Billy remembers thinking, "There's no f-king way I | | | | afternoon comes to a close, Billy rushes to get a |
| could get something like that. Must have been | | | | quick surf session before dark. I look toward the |
| some big mix-up. Then I thought, Oh shit, I | | | | water: Billy is charging in full force down the line. A |
| must've used the same toilet seat or touched a | | | | few hours later, he comes paddling back, bragging |
| door knob that some infected person used. But | | | | about every cutback he made and asking if we all |
| the doctor went on to say there was no way of | | | | saw it. At times he amazes me with his energy |
| getting HIV from that, and then asked if I'd ever | | | | and love for life, but now I understand how he |
| had unprotected sex - without a condom." Billy | | | | perceives things. The disease that has taken so |
| had engaged in unprotected sex."Yeah, a couple | | | | many has in no way slowed down Billy and his |
| of times," he says, "cause they're uncomfortable | | | | dreams. Billy may be different from others |
| or I didn't have one in the heat of the moment. I | | | | because of it. He's still my friend.a day to laugh, a |
| figured if the girl was on the pill, who needed to | | | | day to cry a day to live and a day to die 'til I find |
| wear a condom?Was it really all that magic? the | | | | out, I may wonder but I'm not gonna live my life |
| times I didn' t use a prophylactic "(I) believe it was | | | | six feet under. *lyrics written by Michael Franti, |
| a girl I dated back in college about four or five | | | | Charlie Hunter, performed by Spearhead, |
| years ago, "Billy thinks back. According to the | | | | "Positive" appears on Spearhead's Home CD and |
| Center for Disease Control, AIDS cases in | | | | Red, Hot and Cool CD. |